There are not words...

I know I need to create a new blog because, obviously, I'm not in Uganda anymore. :) It is on my list of things to do as soon as I finish out this year.

For now, I just need a place to vent and therapeutically write out all of my thoughts. Why is it that I can be so vulnerable on this blog? Maybe because I'm not directly talking to one person, not face to face, not worried about their thoughts, expressions, or judgements. For whatever reason, it feels like a safety net. I know in reality- the internet is the most unsafe place to write anything.. yet sitting here on my couch, I feel like it is just the computer keys and I.

I have 10 work days left in this year. I can not believe it! This has been such an incredibly challenging year! I have had jobs ever since high school but, nothing.. NOTHING, could have prepared me for my first year out in the "real world." I wish I could say I was prepared. But that is the farthest from the truth. Don't get me wrong: I LOVE all of my kids! They have given me purpose and a reason to keep "keepin on." The rest of the job, however, has taken its toll. I am mentally and emotionally EXHAUSTED!

Thankfully, the Lord beautifully orchestrated our lives in a way that I would get married this year. HE has blessed me immensely by that.

The heaviest burden is that I feel I have failed in some important ways this year. Not in my job, because I have given that everything I had, without a doubt! But more becuase I feel as if I have failed others. I went to Uganda, lived and breathed ministry, and then came back with high hopes of what life would be like afterwards. Instead of soaring, I have spent the past months trying to capture deep breaths of air. I fear I have hurt more friends than I have helped. I have had to put work above so many things I adore to survive my first year. I haven't made very many new friends (Acquantainces, yes....real friends, not many) which I desperately pray for, we haven't found a church to invest ourselves in, and so much more.

For someone who has always put relationships above all else, this is new territory for me. I love friends, I love laughing, hanging out, and investing in others' lives. Yet, more evenings than not, I have spent staring at a computer screen or researching information that I need to do a better job.

If Uganda did not break me enough, this year has. I had to leave the most dearest of relationships when I left SFA for Uganda. Friendships with deep roots. You know who you are. Friendships that I pray will someday recover.

I have taken roads less traveled, and it has not been as glorious as poems make it seem. But, the Lord is beyond sufficient! Maybe that's what He needed me to learn this year. Jana, I AM ENOUGH FOR YOU. I AM! You are not yet you know I AM. If you haven't read this book by Louie Giglio, "i am not but i know I AM" you need to! It is so incredible. Even though I am still feeling like I can't get enough air sometimes, I know I AM. I AM is everything that is beautiful, perfect, and holy.

I serve the God that is I AM. What do I have to fear? Why do I allow my heart to become weary?