Fear of Surrenderance

Surrenderance. To the Lord that is such a beautiful word. And deep down in my soul, I know that too. That it is beautiful and holy, full of power and light. I know, because I've been there. But, right now- to my flesh, that word fills me with fear and doubt and more "what ifs" than I can name.

This is soemthing I have really struggled with ever since returning from Uganda. I came back a changed person. That, ofcourse, is no suprise. 5 1/2 months in a third world country ministering in the slums wiht people that are hungry, sick, and heavy burdened would change anyone.

Deep changes in my heart have occurred on extreme ends of the spectrum. Deep heartache for the harsh realities of this world. And magnificent beauty in seeing people, so thirsty in so many ways, worshipping the true and living God. I will never forget sitting in a "home" consisting of no light, a wooden bed, and a wooden bench..praying with a paster over the lady that lived there. She was bedridden from AIDS for many years. And this may be a little too graphic: but I have to say it it express the point I'm trying to make of how my mindset had altered: parts of her toes had been chewed off by that rats that lived there.

For this small town, all american girl- these things were none the less startling. And this wasn't my first trip to a third world country!

Please hear me when I say that I believe that God is no less evident and powerful in these circumstances as He is in America where we have had an abundance of food on our table and comparatively speaking incredible healthcare. I would not trade this trip for ANYTHING! In these circumstanes, I saw a deeper glimpse of the Lord than I ever have!! He is a provider, and a perfect most beautiful light there.

But, this is where the enemy has used Surrenderane to bring fear into my heart. If I fully surrender to the Lord- what will it look like? Will I have to stay in suburban America? Will I be called to a third world country? Will I be called to neither of those?? There is no way to know the direction the Lord wil take me on. What it will consist of or look like. Maybe before Uganda- this wouldn't scare me. But, afterwards- it does. I feel like I've seen the world in a different light. The protective shield over my eyes was removed. True people living in harsh circumstances. True missionaries living those live along with them to share the gospel and message of Jesus.

I dont' know if you know about Matt Chandler, but he has been diagnosed with brain cancer. He made a video for his congregation (The village church) and it REALLY SPOKE TO ME! It has broken chains I didn't even realize were holding me back. I didn't know that my fear of surrending had turned me into a wall flower. So afraid that I was just sitting, watching others dance with the Lord. Maybe not even just sitting, but even turning my back to the dance.

In the first video Matt said: Do not let my situation feed your fears. God is good in all things and he doesn't send anything He doesn't already provide for.

I do not know why, but hearing a human being, in ministry, in the midst of a storm proclaim that was SO POWERFUL!!!!!

Why do I fear surrenderance? Why do I fear ministry and what that might bring ot my life?? Why do I fear serving in a city? Why do I fear serving in a third world country? The beauty of Christ will outweight all of that!!!! What I am truly living for. Comfort? Or Christ?

The beauty of living for Christ will ALWAYS outweigh the sacrifice.

When I stand before the Lord, what do I want my life portray? Becuase we each will stand before Him. Our lives will go before us, and we'll answer for what we've done. I pray I can learn to give it all. A life spent proclaiming a loving God who sent his son to die on the cross for our sins so that we may have life and life abundantly!!!!!