There are not words...

I know I need to create a new blog because, obviously, I'm not in Uganda anymore. :) It is on my list of things to do as soon as I finish out this year.

For now, I just need a place to vent and therapeutically write out all of my thoughts. Why is it that I can be so vulnerable on this blog? Maybe because I'm not directly talking to one person, not face to face, not worried about their thoughts, expressions, or judgements. For whatever reason, it feels like a safety net. I know in reality- the internet is the most unsafe place to write anything.. yet sitting here on my couch, I feel like it is just the computer keys and I.

I have 10 work days left in this year. I can not believe it! This has been such an incredibly challenging year! I have had jobs ever since high school but, nothing.. NOTHING, could have prepared me for my first year out in the "real world." I wish I could say I was prepared. But that is the farthest from the truth. Don't get me wrong: I LOVE all of my kids! They have given me purpose and a reason to keep "keepin on." The rest of the job, however, has taken its toll. I am mentally and emotionally EXHAUSTED!

Thankfully, the Lord beautifully orchestrated our lives in a way that I would get married this year. HE has blessed me immensely by that.

The heaviest burden is that I feel I have failed in some important ways this year. Not in my job, because I have given that everything I had, without a doubt! But more becuase I feel as if I have failed others. I went to Uganda, lived and breathed ministry, and then came back with high hopes of what life would be like afterwards. Instead of soaring, I have spent the past months trying to capture deep breaths of air. I fear I have hurt more friends than I have helped. I have had to put work above so many things I adore to survive my first year. I haven't made very many new friends (Acquantainces, yes....real friends, not many) which I desperately pray for, we haven't found a church to invest ourselves in, and so much more.

For someone who has always put relationships above all else, this is new territory for me. I love friends, I love laughing, hanging out, and investing in others' lives. Yet, more evenings than not, I have spent staring at a computer screen or researching information that I need to do a better job.

If Uganda did not break me enough, this year has. I had to leave the most dearest of relationships when I left SFA for Uganda. Friendships with deep roots. You know who you are. Friendships that I pray will someday recover.

I have taken roads less traveled, and it has not been as glorious as poems make it seem. But, the Lord is beyond sufficient! Maybe that's what He needed me to learn this year. Jana, I AM ENOUGH FOR YOU. I AM! You are not yet you know I AM. If you haven't read this book by Louie Giglio, "i am not but i know I AM" you need to! It is so incredible. Even though I am still feeling like I can't get enough air sometimes, I know I AM. I AM is everything that is beautiful, perfect, and holy.

I serve the God that is I AM. What do I have to fear? Why do I allow my heart to become weary?

He Is Faithful

Our Holy God has no requirements to show us how faithful He is. He doesn't have to show us His beauty, His majesty, or His Faithfullness to prove that that is who He is. Yet...... out of absolute GRACE and love, He allows us to see glimpses of His perfect beauty and grace, beyond anything we can ever imagine.

The past year I have grown tremendously in my walk with the Lord. Although from the outside to some, if may seem as if I haven't.....
At this time a year and a half ago I was speaking at Great Escape(our college worship at SFA), helping lead a woman's bible study, mentoring, discipling, and loving on college students.
A year ago, I was in Uganda.....loving on the heavy burden, helping a church in the slums of Kampala build their children's ministry, and speaking at a woman's bibles study. I was also praying fervently about coming back to the states and working full time in a ministry that has penetrated my heart deeper than any other!
And today........ I am in Lewisville, Texas. (which I didn't even know existed a year ago!) Working full time doing speech therapy, on an average day overwhelmed by my first year of a full time job, while marrying my sister off in the fall and planning my wedding this spring. Ihave not yet found a minsitry to invest my heart into or a group of girls to even begin to call close friends.

So... to the naked eye, some might think that I have become lost. And in some senses I have been! . A new place, new people, new hidden social rules I don't understand, a new job, and few friends .... a lot to shake this small town girl. But...........let us not fool ourselves that God has become silent! No, I feel Him deeper in my heart that I ever have. My relationship with my Lord is stronger and more intimate. I hear his whispers and gentle voice. He is not silent! He has not led me astray! He is holding me by the hand, leading my every step. Maybe those are steps down the hallway to talk to a student that is neglected at home. Maybe those steps are to a student that needs a smiling face of encouragement to help him keep fighting. Maybe they are steps that shine God's LIGHT into a dark world of materialism and possessions.

I heard something on the radio this morning that really spoke to my heart! "We should not look to our circumstances to see God's faithfulness....the only place our eyes should go are to the Cross."

Amen and amen! I am in such a different place than I was a year and a half ago. But does that mean that God has not been leading my every step? Ofcourse not! I only need to look as far as the cross to be reminded of His love for me and His willingness to sacrifice everything to meet with me.

In 11 days I will get to marry my very best friend! What greater thing could the Lord use to graciously show me a glimpse of His faithfulness. As Dylan and I sat in the pew Sunday in church....the same church that we grew up in... tears filled my eyes!!!! I looked at the stage where I would marry him and just couldn't hold them back. There I was.... sitting in the same pew that we have sat in next to each other in since we were 16..... We used to dream of the day we would stand up there and get married. And now, it is finally here!!!!

Thank you Lord for your beauty and grace! Thank you for working out the details of our lives in such a beautiful way! Let us not try and define Your love by our circumstances but by the Cross...where your blood was shed for us that we might come to know You.