There are not words...

I know I need to create a new blog because, obviously, I'm not in Uganda anymore. :) It is on my list of things to do as soon as I finish out this year.

For now, I just need a place to vent and therapeutically write out all of my thoughts. Why is it that I can be so vulnerable on this blog? Maybe because I'm not directly talking to one person, not face to face, not worried about their thoughts, expressions, or judgements. For whatever reason, it feels like a safety net. I know in reality- the internet is the most unsafe place to write anything.. yet sitting here on my couch, I feel like it is just the computer keys and I.

I have 10 work days left in this year. I can not believe it! This has been such an incredibly challenging year! I have had jobs ever since high school but, nothing.. NOTHING, could have prepared me for my first year out in the "real world." I wish I could say I was prepared. But that is the farthest from the truth. Don't get me wrong: I LOVE all of my kids! They have given me purpose and a reason to keep "keepin on." The rest of the job, however, has taken its toll. I am mentally and emotionally EXHAUSTED!

Thankfully, the Lord beautifully orchestrated our lives in a way that I would get married this year. HE has blessed me immensely by that.

The heaviest burden is that I feel I have failed in some important ways this year. Not in my job, because I have given that everything I had, without a doubt! But more becuase I feel as if I have failed others. I went to Uganda, lived and breathed ministry, and then came back with high hopes of what life would be like afterwards. Instead of soaring, I have spent the past months trying to capture deep breaths of air. I fear I have hurt more friends than I have helped. I have had to put work above so many things I adore to survive my first year. I haven't made very many new friends (Acquantainces, yes....real friends, not many) which I desperately pray for, we haven't found a church to invest ourselves in, and so much more.

For someone who has always put relationships above all else, this is new territory for me. I love friends, I love laughing, hanging out, and investing in others' lives. Yet, more evenings than not, I have spent staring at a computer screen or researching information that I need to do a better job.

If Uganda did not break me enough, this year has. I had to leave the most dearest of relationships when I left SFA for Uganda. Friendships with deep roots. You know who you are. Friendships that I pray will someday recover.

I have taken roads less traveled, and it has not been as glorious as poems make it seem. But, the Lord is beyond sufficient! Maybe that's what He needed me to learn this year. Jana, I AM ENOUGH FOR YOU. I AM! You are not yet you know I AM. If you haven't read this book by Louie Giglio, "i am not but i know I AM" you need to! It is so incredible. Even though I am still feeling like I can't get enough air sometimes, I know I AM. I AM is everything that is beautiful, perfect, and holy.

I serve the God that is I AM. What do I have to fear? Why do I allow my heart to become weary?

He Is Faithful

Our Holy God has no requirements to show us how faithful He is. He doesn't have to show us His beauty, His majesty, or His Faithfullness to prove that that is who He is. Yet...... out of absolute GRACE and love, He allows us to see glimpses of His perfect beauty and grace, beyond anything we can ever imagine.

The past year I have grown tremendously in my walk with the Lord. Although from the outside to some, if may seem as if I haven't.....
At this time a year and a half ago I was speaking at Great Escape(our college worship at SFA), helping lead a woman's bible study, mentoring, discipling, and loving on college students.
A year ago, I was in Uganda.....loving on the heavy burden, helping a church in the slums of Kampala build their children's ministry, and speaking at a woman's bibles study. I was also praying fervently about coming back to the states and working full time in a ministry that has penetrated my heart deeper than any other!
And today........ I am in Lewisville, Texas. (which I didn't even know existed a year ago!) Working full time doing speech therapy, on an average day overwhelmed by my first year of a full time job, while marrying my sister off in the fall and planning my wedding this spring. Ihave not yet found a minsitry to invest my heart into or a group of girls to even begin to call close friends.

So... to the naked eye, some might think that I have become lost. And in some senses I have been! . A new place, new people, new hidden social rules I don't understand, a new job, and few friends .... a lot to shake this small town girl. But...........let us not fool ourselves that God has become silent! No, I feel Him deeper in my heart that I ever have. My relationship with my Lord is stronger and more intimate. I hear his whispers and gentle voice. He is not silent! He has not led me astray! He is holding me by the hand, leading my every step. Maybe those are steps down the hallway to talk to a student that is neglected at home. Maybe those steps are to a student that needs a smiling face of encouragement to help him keep fighting. Maybe they are steps that shine God's LIGHT into a dark world of materialism and possessions.

I heard something on the radio this morning that really spoke to my heart! "We should not look to our circumstances to see God's faithfulness....the only place our eyes should go are to the Cross."

Amen and amen! I am in such a different place than I was a year and a half ago. But does that mean that God has not been leading my every step? Ofcourse not! I only need to look as far as the cross to be reminded of His love for me and His willingness to sacrifice everything to meet with me.

In 11 days I will get to marry my very best friend! What greater thing could the Lord use to graciously show me a glimpse of His faithfulness. As Dylan and I sat in the pew Sunday in church....the same church that we grew up in... tears filled my eyes!!!! I looked at the stage where I would marry him and just couldn't hold them back. There I was.... sitting in the same pew that we have sat in next to each other in since we were 16..... We used to dream of the day we would stand up there and get married. And now, it is finally here!!!!

Thank you Lord for your beauty and grace! Thank you for working out the details of our lives in such a beautiful way! Let us not try and define Your love by our circumstances but by the Cross...where your blood was shed for us that we might come to know You.

Fear of Surrenderance

Surrenderance. To the Lord that is such a beautiful word. And deep down in my soul, I know that too. That it is beautiful and holy, full of power and light. I know, because I've been there. But, right now- to my flesh, that word fills me with fear and doubt and more "what ifs" than I can name.

This is soemthing I have really struggled with ever since returning from Uganda. I came back a changed person. That, ofcourse, is no suprise. 5 1/2 months in a third world country ministering in the slums wiht people that are hungry, sick, and heavy burdened would change anyone.

Deep changes in my heart have occurred on extreme ends of the spectrum. Deep heartache for the harsh realities of this world. And magnificent beauty in seeing people, so thirsty in so many ways, worshipping the true and living God. I will never forget sitting in a "home" consisting of no light, a wooden bed, and a wooden bench..praying with a paster over the lady that lived there. She was bedridden from AIDS for many years. And this may be a little too graphic: but I have to say it it express the point I'm trying to make of how my mindset had altered: parts of her toes had been chewed off by that rats that lived there.

For this small town, all american girl- these things were none the less startling. And this wasn't my first trip to a third world country!

Please hear me when I say that I believe that God is no less evident and powerful in these circumstances as He is in America where we have had an abundance of food on our table and comparatively speaking incredible healthcare. I would not trade this trip for ANYTHING! In these circumstanes, I saw a deeper glimpse of the Lord than I ever have!! He is a provider, and a perfect most beautiful light there.

But, this is where the enemy has used Surrenderane to bring fear into my heart. If I fully surrender to the Lord- what will it look like? Will I have to stay in suburban America? Will I be called to a third world country? Will I be called to neither of those?? There is no way to know the direction the Lord wil take me on. What it will consist of or look like. Maybe before Uganda- this wouldn't scare me. But, afterwards- it does. I feel like I've seen the world in a different light. The protective shield over my eyes was removed. True people living in harsh circumstances. True missionaries living those live along with them to share the gospel and message of Jesus.

I dont' know if you know about Matt Chandler, but he has been diagnosed with brain cancer. He made a video for his congregation (The village church) and it REALLY SPOKE TO ME! It has broken chains I didn't even realize were holding me back. I didn't know that my fear of surrending had turned me into a wall flower. So afraid that I was just sitting, watching others dance with the Lord. Maybe not even just sitting, but even turning my back to the dance.

In the first video Matt said: Do not let my situation feed your fears. God is good in all things and he doesn't send anything He doesn't already provide for.

I do not know why, but hearing a human being, in ministry, in the midst of a storm proclaim that was SO POWERFUL!!!!!

Why do I fear surrenderance? Why do I fear ministry and what that might bring ot my life?? Why do I fear serving in a city? Why do I fear serving in a third world country? The beauty of Christ will outweight all of that!!!! What I am truly living for. Comfort? Or Christ?

The beauty of living for Christ will ALWAYS outweigh the sacrifice.

When I stand before the Lord, what do I want my life portray? Becuase we each will stand before Him. Our lives will go before us, and we'll answer for what we've done. I pray I can learn to give it all. A life spent proclaiming a loving God who sent his son to die on the cross for our sins so that we may have life and life abundantly!!!!!

"I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane......"

I can't believe its time to say goodbye!!!!!! Tomorrow is my final day in Kampala, and then we will be flying out early Monday morning to JoBurg for our debrief! Tomorrow will be an incredibly hard day, but I know the Lord will be sufficient for us. And, honestly, I am thankful it will be hard to say goodbye..because it represents the love that I have grown for my brothers and sisters in Christ here.

I know I haven't updated the blog in awhile, but please know that there is an INCREDIBLE PRAISE REPORT COMING SOON!! With all of the emotions of saying goodbye, I just know right now I couldn't do these last few weeks justice. So, within the next week--- it will surely come!

For now, thank you all so much for your support and encouragement! YOU ARE AN INCREDIBLE BLESSING!!!

Can't wait to be able to write about these last couple of weeks!!!! And see you in Texas!!!! I'll be leaving JoBurg Friday (5/29) and arrive in Dallas, Texas on Saturday (5/30) at 2 pm!!!

I actually can't even believe I'm typing this! What an incredible adventure this has been... but how sweet it will be to be home!

2 ½ weeks. 18 days. 8 visits to Kawuku. 3 church services.

There are moments this seems like an eternity. Other moments I have to fight back the tears that try to fall as I think about finishing out my time here. Only 8 more visits to Kawuku to see the smiles that have changed my heart forever. Only 8 more times to catch Zina in my arms as she runs towards me. Only 8 more chances to have little Brite steal my heart as he yells out my name and then proudly says something in Luganda that he thinks I can understand. Only 3 more services to watch Grace and Sister Pros lead worship.

As hard as it has been for me, the beauty in what I have been surrounded by is unexplainable. How, when everything has been hard, does my soul still see beauty deeper than ever before? How can such an impoverished area produce such hope in this “all American girl?”

To work in the slums here in Kampala has both produced the most heartbreak and the most joy.

To know that some of my people live off of 2000 shillings a day (= $1). To see their tattered second hand clothes and torn shoes. There are no manicured yards for the kids to play in. No libraries near that they can sit and read in. No air conditioning to escape the Ugandan heat. No packages coming with brownie mixes and spring colored Oreos. No good medical services when they are sick. Money talks here…in a horribly corrupt way…and when you don’t have it- you don’t have a voice. They are welcome at the clinic, but there is a chance they will get the left over, outdated medicine that possibly has nothing to do with their illness. These are the things they live with day in and day out that I will never understand.

We don’t know what it’s like to go without food. We don’t know what it’s like to have to walk sometimes for miles, because we can’t afford the transport. I know that some of us walk places…. But it is our CHOICE. What about when you can’t choose………

Yet, the smiles on the faces of our church members reflect a joy deeper than I can ever explain, or even understand. They are so thankful. They have dirt floors, yet clean them as if they were hardwood. They have torn second hand clothes, yet they take perfect care of them.

I thought I was coming for them…. I thought I was coming to share Christ and the hope of His message….. I thought I was coming to love and serve…. To fuse courage into them…… There are a hundred more reasons “I thought I came” that all have to do with me giving to them.

And maybe I have done all that. But what I didn’t plan on was them so abundantly giving to me. They have given me JOY, LOVE, HOPE, and CHANGE. They have forever changed my heart, and the hearts of those God has chosen to embark on this journey with me. They have forever changed the way that I minister, surrender, and love.

I have to be honest- I am really excited about coming home to air conditioning, drinking water straight from the faucet, good food, no mosquitoes buzzing around my room at night, and a gazillion other things. But…… what these people have given me is deeper than any of those. They have shown me what life really is about. What really matters. And how love and joy can greatly abound regardless of circumstances.

It breaks my heart to see their lifestyle. But, you know what? It breaks my heart to see ours too. We have everything, yet somehow for the past 23 years… I’ve missed all of this.

White Water Rafting on The Nile

1) Can you believe its May 1st?!?!

2) In total exaggeration---- I am thankful to be alive to see this 1st day of May!!!

Yesterday, my team and I drug ourselves out of bed between 5:30 and 6am to begin our trek down to the Nile River to WHITE WATER RAFT!!!! Oh my.... if you know me, you know A) I always enjoy a little adventure but B) I am in total agreement with the philisophy that, "too much of a good thing is bad."

We signed up for an all day trip to raft down the Nile. 12 rapids with a lunch break halfway, rapids ranging from grade 3 to grade 5. 4 of these rapids were grade 5. Just to highlight a couple, we rafted down a waterfall and a rapid called, "the bad place" (you'll hear more about that one later.)

As we set out in the morning, we noticed rain clouds, but thought "surely it won't rain on us........". I was seriously underestimating the rainy season here in Uganda! As fate would have it, within an hour we found ourselves rafting the Nile in the middle of a thunderstorm! I felt like I was in a movie!!!!!!!!! We continued down the river in the storm .......did I mention I was holding a metal paddle (just want you to make sure you get the full effect here!) ...until we arrived at our lunch destination. I was so proud of our rafting team!!! We swept through all the morning rapids without falling out or flipping! =)

When lunch came, we climbed slippery steps up to a tin roof with a large picnic table underneath. It was actually a nice spread! Sandwiches, potato salad (hadn't seen that yet here), and fruit. Freezing cold, eating, and thinking about how much I was loving this!!!!!!! I even remember telling Sarah how I would definetely want to do this again!!!!!! (amazing how quickly those feelings can change.....)

So, with a smile on our faces and rain jackets thankfully now on our backs..... we headed out for the afternoon. The afternoon went well.......much slower than the morning...... until the last rapid. The second to last rapid, we did flip though. Thanks to our guide! He was a little overconfident in our rafts ability to withstand the water of the last rapid. He thought we'd safely make it through..... and felt it was his job to make sure we flipped atleast once! I am now saying that I am very thankful we flipped on this rapid because atleast when it happened for real I was a little more prepared.

So...... now we're at the last rapid of the day..... "The Bad Place." The Bad Place has forever engrained my feelings about Grade 5 rapids. Maybe I'll change my mind later, but for now.... I confidently say I will not feel a need to experience this type of adventure or adrenaline again. As Jake said, we each have our own story to tell of what happened. For me..... well, lets just say I never knew I could go that long without taking a breath. It was the craziest feeling...... like calm chaos. I think I was keeping my composure pretty well....... however, at some point---you just become disoriented. Suddenly, when I came up to gasp for air, I realized how far from the main rapid I had gotten.... ..yet I was still caught in something and coming up with barely enough time to gasp for air. It was at this moment that I hit panic mode..... My arms started trying to get someone's attention....as if I thought that no one saw me way down there.....

Thankfully, within 10 seconds of hitting panic mode and seriously thinking, "this is it for me... I was sure done. Atleast my last breath was taken doing something awesome on the Nile Rivier..... " the safety kayak arrived to save me. I really actually feel sorry for the guy. I can't even imagine how big my eyes were or what I sounded like gasping for air. Actually...now the thought of what that poor guy was thinking makes me laugh out loud! But..I was so thankful to see him!!

All in all, the trip was awesome! We had a lot of fun with our team and I created some lasting memories!! I'm so glad that I went!!!! =) I wouldn't trade that trip for anything. However, if you ever ask me to raft the Nile River with you again...please don't be offended if my answer is no. Its definetely an experience but I no longer feel a need to defy those powerful walls of water.

Thank you Nile for an amazing time and great memories! I had you beat until The Bad Place. But, I think you won yesterday.

And.....on a side note, I know there are some of you that aren't believing me. That's why we got a DVD of the entire trip! =) Maybe soon I can post clip for you. It will be pretty hilarious to see how long we ACTUALLY were under the water compared to how it felt!

Thankfully, these next 3 weeks will be spent with those precious kids in Kawuku and all of the wonderful people I have come to love here.

Can You Imgaine

"Can You Imagine"

---- my friend Redempta came to visit me this past week!!!! I met her when I was in Kenya in 2007 and we became really good friends. We were both praying to be able to see one another since I am back in East Africa, and the Lord in His graciousness worked out the details for us! She took a 12 hour bus ride to Kampala to stay with me for a few days!!!! When we said goodbye 2 years ago, we never imagined we'd have the opportunity to meet again!! GOD IS GOOD!

This quote is something that she says anytime something is unbelievable to her. Its my absolute favorite thing to hear her say!
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Love and friendship

2 things that I am exponentially seeing surpass the boundaries of language and culture. I want so badly to be able to explain this to you in a way that captures the essence of its beauty. Though I know I won't be able to get all of the words correct, I pray that your heart feels the warmth in knowing how big our God is and how His love is far greater than anything we can ever understand, imagine, or contain.

Example 1)
A 5 year old Ugandan girl who speaks only Luganda runs towards a 23 year old American girl that speaks only English……..she picks the child up in her arms, swings her around, and they both have smiles on their faces larger than life. Tears almost fill my eyes as I think of the love I have for this small child, Zina. We have never said anything more to each other than “How are you? Fine” or “Olyotya? Jiindi” (Luganda greeting) yet my heart is attached to her beautiful smile, the way she casts her eyes downwards when she’s being shy, and the way she runs towards me when she is excited.
Zero words are needed to share our emotions. Our hearts are able to illuminate love in a way that doesn’t require anything created by humans. The depth of this type of communication cannot be put in to words. It makes sense---- something that doesn’t need words surely can’t be explained by them.

............ this is To Be Continued